CUCKING-FRAZZY
by dungbombacidpops
Summary: OOC Hermione. She is sassy, sexy & swears like a sailor. IC Draco.He is arrogant, snotty and hawwwt with a capital 'H'.A BFF who likes to punch boobs & a sarcastic Harry(channel Chandler from FRIENDS). A crazy ex(s), some drunken house elves, and a boat load of funky characters. Throw in some jealousy, a lot of cussing & melt your clothes kisses. There you have it DRAMIONE style.
1. INGREDIENTS REQUIRED

_**A disclaimer- I don't own HP. All hail the queen JKR.**_

 _ **A/N- this is going to be a freaking hilariously awesome ride (hey! I am being modest). And in the meantime, if you pee in your pants… then fan-fucking-tastic. Don't forget to leave a review. The more the review the faster I write. The faster I write, the faster you get to read. The faster you read… um… that's where the peeing part comes.**_

 _ **This is just the introduction, where all the characters are somewhat described. Well to know about them fully, you will have to read it. It's more like summery hiding behind a prologue.**_

 _ **Go on… I will stop babbling… now.**_

 **1\. INGREDIENTS REQUIRED**

Welcome to wizard cooking classes.

Where you bring your own damn things and you make your own damn dish.

So today we are making some weird dish known as… drum roll, please… "CUCKING-FRAZZY!"

To make a cauldron full of that shit we need… damn! Where did I place that note? Ah! Here it is.

We need… well, we need a freaking lot of things.

Anyway, let's start. The ingredients list reads something like this-

One cup of constantly nagging Mrs Granger.

One cup of royally pissed Mrs Malfoy. Nah! … Make it half cup, you know indigestion and all.

One incapacitated and guilt-ridden Mr Malfoy.

A couple of "EX's" and make sure you mince them into tiny, microscopic pieces.

One complete crazy, boobs punching BFF.

One overprotective guy best friend/brother, who might have a gigantic crush on the above said boob punching BFF.

A six feet of sizzling and scrumptious and lip-smacking 'Albino Ferret'.

A humongous slice of fire whisky guzzling, sailor-mouthed and absolutely sassy 'Ex-War Heroine'.

A hint of vivaciousness and sass.

A pinch of jealousy… meh! What the hell, dump the whole lot of it?

A dash of possessiveness.

A bucket load of crazy, stupid and bone melting… LOVE.

Well, that's it. I think I got all of it. Wait! Wait! … I forgot one thing.

Finally, throw in a handful of drunken elves, gyrating to Madonna's 'Like a Virgin'… for garnish, of course.

 _INSTRUCTIONS-_ _-(or rather precautions, that you should have damn well listened)_

When you collect all of these ingredients by any means (any means, means any means, it can be bribery, extortion, kidnapping or by kissing the daylights out of someone), throw them in the cauldron.

Mix it anticlockwise for seven times and then clockwise for seven times (I don't fucking know why, neither I care) and if you hit Mrs Malfoy's snotty ass in the way with your ladle, then hurrah!

Do not leave the dish, to go and pick up your mom's phone. She might just set you up with a blind-freaking-date which might end with, the guy sticking his tongue in your ear. Ewww…

Do not listen to your Crazy BFF, you call her crazy for a reason. Remember that.

And make plans so that you're your BFF and Best friend/brother, can suck face.

Brawl your eyes out (but do remove your makeup before it, you don't want to have panda eyes).

Get drunk, get others drunk. Hell! Get the house-elves drunk.

Do not scratch out your ex's current girlfriend's eye (what the hell! You damn sure can do that).

And after all that shit, if you even have some energy left.

Then leave your dish to stew for some time.

And while the dish is stewing, you can go from hating someone's guts, to having crazy against the wall sex, to popping out his demon spawn.

And if anyone disturbs in the middle, gladly punch them in the nuts.

Finally there, you have your dish. All of its naked glory. And stop drooling, rather, why don't you take a big ass bite.

Man! This tastes all... Fucking crazy.

 _ **Next- "Boob-a-licious"**_

 _ **A/N-Well, that's it for today.**_

 _ **And don't you dare forget to leave a review, or else I will Avada all your tushies.**_

 _ **DUNGBOMB!**_


	2. BOOBS-A-LICIOUS

_**A/N- hey guys, thanks, A LOT for the reviews, followers and favorites. Loads of love to all of you.**_

 _ **Quite a bunch of you asked that you couldn't get the first chapter. Well, let me clarify that it was an introduction of sorts to all the characters. And the instructions were little incidents from the story, which you will get to read in details as the story goes.**_

 _ **Hope you all like it.**_

 _ **Please don't forget to review, you know I love them a lot.**_

* * *

"Oh, my god! Will you look at those boobs?"

I looked up from the Quibbler, I was reading.

"You are jumping ships, Amy? Do I have any reasons to be afraid of my sanity or you jumping on me, when I am otherwise busy?" I asked.

"Bitch! You will be damn lucky if I gave you the time of my day. But anyway, I am not talking about jumping ship, I love wands, the other kinds, you know. And the day I switched from 'wands' to 'ta-tas', will be the day when, Voldy can kiss my pretty ass."

Okay, first of all, let me introduce you all to Amanda Janehoff (if you don't want to get punched, do not call her that, call her Amy).

Amy or rather known as my BFF extraordinaire. She is a graduate from Salem School of Witches (or rather Salem School of Bitches, as she gladly calls it) and joined St Mungo's along with me. And if she wasn't my best damn friend, I would have hated her guts.

I looked at her lustrous raven locks of hair falling down as a waterfall and then to my riotous curls (Medusa would have been rolling in her proverbial grave!). Her flawless skin, black as night eyes, and if you think that guys don't buzz around her like bees, then you are fucking wrong. But everything aside, she would be one person, I would like to keep in my corner. Her blind faith and un-fucking-movable loyalty make her more beautiful all the same.

Just pardon her language which is… kind of unacceptable amidst company. But if you can't love her… umm… utter linguistic brilliance… you don't deserve her.

And coming back to the matter at hand.

What the hell! Whose boobs is she talking about? I looked down at mine, thinking if I was popping out a nip or something. No! Huh! They were all covered by the green colored scrubs.

"And no, I am not talking about your… uh… fun bags" she replies dryly.

"Hey! What's wrong with mine?" I asked, getting affronted.

What they are, well nice. I mean they are perky and beautiful and pretty and… who am I kidding… and small.

"I mean they are all nice and stuff, but they just don't scream out for guys _to come and stuff their faces in them_ ," Amy said.

Well, there's that. I can't argue. Because I can count on both the hands, how many guys have stuffed their faces in them or otherwise. Well to tell the truth, they all fit in one hand, actually.

"Hermione, don't fly off to la la land. Look at the matter at hand. Just look at them, " she said outrageously.

I pushed aside the Quibbler I was reading (something about how dirigible plum tea can help you to have wet dreams. _Sighs. What has the world come to?_ )

I grabbed the daily prophet Amy was shaking in my face and scanned the headlines.

Hmm…

'Harry potter saves someone'... Blah blah… nothing new in that, and no boobs too.

'Kingsley passes a new rule', well hurrah!

'Ollivander lunches a Swarovski studded line of wands'… hmm… have to check my bank account.

'Ron Weasley, a chaser for Cuddly cannons chased his 'fiancée'… and caught her. Turn to page three and a quarter for the full news.'

And below that, was a picture of Ron with a tall leggy blond… Ah! There were the boobs. And a lot of it too.

My heart stopped for a minute. I mean I know it's medically impossible and shit. But it did. Deal with it.

I know. I know. It's been a long five months since I have broken up with him. Or rather caught him with someone else doing the horizontal mambo, while his pale ass was hanging for the world to see.

And I thank my lucky stars that, I was saved from that horrible fate.

But it kind of still hurts a little.

Look at me, here I am sitting with a cold as shit coffee, reading about non-existent fruits that may or may not induce a lust-addled coma. And there he has literally stuffed his face into those humongous… I mean ginormous… I mean really big boobs of some bitch-faced harlot.

I always wondered, doesn't gravity do its work, why don't they fall down. That's one of those unsolved mysteries of life, I think. Hmm… maybe there is a book somewhere about gravity defying boobs. Maybe Dumbledore would have known about this (he is kind of omniscient, you know). Or maybe not, seeing as he was a rather 'wand' guy and six feet under.

"Hey, babe? Are you alright? You aren't going to turn into some crazy serial killer or something and take revenge. " Amy asked, her eyes lighting up.

Oh man! Look at her face, even the idea of crazy revenge might just give her an orgasm.

Shaking my head with slight disgust, I replied.

"Amy, you know right, I am not hung up on him. He can marry the whole witch population of Britain, and I won't bat an eyelid. Hell, he can marry an alien, I simply don't care anymore."

"You sure?" Her eyes softened, probably worried about me. See, that's why she is fantastic.

"Totally."

"Anyway. Did you see those boobs on her?"

"Looks like 'goddess-boobies' was extra attentive to her."

"Yeah!" Amy scoffed. "More like the 'the god of plastic surgery' was extra attentive to her."

I snorted. And let me tell you, that was a totally un-lady like snort, it sounded something like a mix between Buckbeak and a blast ended skewrts. And I had sworn on my leather spike studded Jimmy Choo never to let that unholy sound amidst anyone carrying an XY chromosome card. The reason being, as I said earlier, guys and their tendency to stuff their face in some part of my anatomy or… not.

"Have you ever imagined, how these 'enhanced fun centers feel like?"

"How would I know?' I replied.

"Hey, if they fell down boob first, do they just bounce back or something?"

"You mean like those center of gravity dolls, you punch their noses and they just bounce back?"

"Yeah. That's what I am talking about. Girl! Your nerdy-ness sometimes comes in handy for sure."

Before I could reply back, the door to our staff common room opened and Stacy walked in.

And let me introduce all you fine people to Stacy Neils or as we like to call 'Stacy Nails-all'. To describe her in one word she is a 'Grade-1-Bitch', well, that's three words but who cares.

Amy hated her, starting from her makeup laden face to her blood red painted toes. She hated her like the fires of the pits of hell.

Something about 'man-stealing slut'… you get the rest, right?

"Healer Granger! Still drinking your tea, I see. Well, what can I say, some people take really long breaks" she said, elongating the syllabi of the word length.

I checked my watch, yep! It has been just twenty minutes and I had a half an hour break.

Let me just clear something. At the starting, I hated her, just because of the general principle of 'Thou shall hate the enemy of one's best friend' but then, the feeling became mutual. As you can see why.

Before I could reply back, again, Amy shot off.

"What is it, Stacy? What crawled up your obviously magically enhanced fake ass? Didn't find any man to steal this fine morning."

Oh god! This is not good. And before this could escalate into scratch your eyes out and rip your hair bitch fight. I replied, finally.

"Stacy?" I asked in my no nonsense voice.

Something unhealthy glinted in her eyes and you could see that she literally cackled with evil laughter. And just like that, something heavy settled in my tummy.

"There's a patient waiting for in exam room A, high profile. So if I were you I would start running now. And I think, you absolutely are going to love them." She said with surprising delight.

That bitch didn't even give us time to reply back with a smart ass comment.

I got up, picking my tea cup to throw in the bin.

And giving a 'don't worry' look to a seething Amy I headed towards exam room A.

Little did I know that my day was going to hell in a hand basket.

 _Sighs._

* * *

 _ **Next-**_ **MODEL WANNABE'S AND CAT VOMIT!**

 _ **A/N- please don't forget to review.**_

 _ **I live for your comments. Pretty please!**_

 _ **Tada.**_


	3. WANNABE MODELS AND CAT VOMIT !

**CHAPTER-3**

 **WANNABE MODELS AND CAT VOMIT!**

* * *

Before I tell you, how my day jumped from the frying cauldron to the fiendfyre, let me tell you a little about myself.

I am not the most fun girl in my group of friends. That would be Amy, entertaining everyone with her stories and the gossip about people who fornicate like forest bunnies after hours. And another fun guy of my group would be Harry, you know the whole defeating Voldemort a couple of years back fiasco really pushed his funniness to some extent. And that's it.

So I come third in our group of three in fun-ness factor. Hey, do not give me that awww-sad-look. If you want to blame, blame my straight ass dentist parents. They should have allowed me to gorge on sweets till I went and slammed myself onto the wall due to an uncontrollable sugar induced high or, at least, allowed me to chew on some lead bars. I know, it's sad but let's move on.

I am the girl you ask to come over and give your cat (no offence, Crookskanks) his pills while you are away getting skin cancer laying in some tropical beach slathered in SPF-40 getting waited on hand and foot by a buff six-pack abs, tanned model wannabe. And if you had, up against the wall hot, sweaty and wall banging sex with the said six-pack-abs model wannabe, while I was here, wiping up the mouse that your cat upchucked then I am going to poison your bloody cat.

By the way, I don't like the way your cat looks at me. Like even he knows I am the dull one. One of these days, I am going to guzzle a whole bottle of fire whisky and flash my boobs at your cat (still no offence, Crookskanks) and really give him something to think about.

If there's one part of me that's a little bit fun, it's my big mouth (sheesh! Not in that way, get your mind out of the gutter), which receives and broadcasts messages from some places other than my brain. That is, it's just a fancy way to say that I have lost my inner filter. Imagine asking Dumbledore, if he is gay in front of the whole teaching staff and then turning into a rather unfitting shade of red that even a Weasley couldn't have achieved and then snorting. A snort that actually sounded like Hagrid had sat on a garden gnome... while the gnome was singing.

Ah! The good old days, anyways where was I, yes my big mouth. My mouth _cannot_ be silenced. Never. If you want to get on my bad side, try to shush me. Just try. Because once I start talking, it would take a lot, I mean Voldemort-in-a-pink-tutu lot to get me to shut up.

Besides my mouth, the rest of me is quite well behaved. Well, my hair too. It behaves as well as my dear old cat, Crookskanks that is not at all. Most Saturday nights, I am snuggled in bed with my cat purring like a train while my head is stuck in a big fat book. Or the Quibbler (and its wet dream-inducing tricks). Or a steamy novel where a vampire doesn't give out garlic odour. Or a new catalogue of Madam Malkin's (I have my eye on that golden one-piece). You get the idea, right. I rarely dance on tables, minus my top or not, I don't even stand on the chair, unless and until I have to get something from the top shelf.

Most Saturday nights, I am snuggled up in bed with my cat purring like a train while my head is stuck in a big fat book. Or the Quibbler (and its wet dream-inducing tricks). Or a steamy novel where a vampire doesn't give out the garlicky odour. Or a new catalogue of Madam Malkin's (I have my eye on that golden one-piece). You get the idea, right. I rarely dance on tables, minus my top or not, I don't even stand on the chair, unless and until I have to get something from the top shelf.

I keep my feet on the ground and my rather boring brown coloured eyes open, at all times.

Well, I should have closed them. Then I shouldn't have had to see what I saw. Oh god! I would have to go home and scougify my eyes.

And then come back and kick that Stacy's really pert ass, really very hard.

High profile patient, my ass!

And this is why, my life took a few steps back and with a lungful of air jumped from a frying cauldron to the pits of fiendfyre.

* * *

 _A/N- **NEXT- DOING IT LIKE RABBITS!**_

 _REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW! You know I absolutely love them. And a big, fat and sloppy kiss to all those who followed and reviewed the story._

 _Much love,_

 _Dungy (the big-ass name is too tiresome) !_


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